I’ve decided to bind and gag my inner control freak for well, today at least, by letting my good friend from America, Cherie Newland takeover the blog.
I’m already sweating at the prospect of people thinking I’ve lost my power. Well, maybe I just gained a new one.
I think I originally butted heads with Cherie while I was debating Change work interventions such Hypnosis, NLP, IEMT, Provocative Therapy et al, with an online community I ran for a good while on Facebook. I was impressed by her genuine depth and consideration on some of the topics we discussed on there, in spite of my brash, act-the-idiot online character.
I got to know this lady a little more and was seriously impressed by some of her observations and thoughts on some of the memes that were running through my mind at the time. Cherie is among other things, and NLP trainer.
But don’t let that put you off, she’s a real human being, not some ‘Grandler and Brinder’ 10 a penny acolyte.
I value her input. She won’t like me calling her wise I’m sure, but’ well, she just is.
And yes, clearly she’s more cleverererer than me. 🙁
Over to you Cherie, good luck, and if it goes bad, DENY EVERYTHING!
Cherie Newland, D.Min., NLP Trainer
The following is a blend of things I’ve read, summaries of lessons I learnt, and
the opinions I hold on the subject of Forgiveness. Many of the point taken here
were hard lessons learnt over a lifetime of healing my own perceived
woundedness and assisting clients in their healing process. It is my hope these
ideas will guide and serve the reader in the process of finding, then utilizing,
their power to forgive. At the onset, let me assure… you have what it takes to
forgive, heal and move on.
Qualities on the Path: Forgiveness
One of the most important precepts to forgiving is that it is both a process and
learning for soul development as humanitarian-maturity. Although words like
clemency, pardon, excusing, and absolving are found in a dictionary definition of
the word, coming from a spiritual angle, we cannot fully accept these as fulfilling
the value forgiveness offers us as a return to wholeness. Clemency, for example,
implies one person ‘lords over’ another by granting pardon, and even though our
laws allow for it, no one has the power to “lord over” his brother or sister, for, as
One in Spirit, each is the other.
This essay will address some points regarding forgiveness I feel are noteworthy.
It is written in three brief segments so we can question and assimilate the
premises presented in accordance to our own heart/soul guidance. Discussion is
welcomed. Here in the first segment are a few general points:
Forgiveness requires us to acknowledge that there is more to the person who
has hurt you than the behavior we labeled “the hurt” and that there is more to
you than being a victim.
Forgiveness is not about doing the ‘offender’ a favor; condoning the offensive
behavior, or forgetting the incident happened. It’s about moving forward, letting
go of the pain and getting on with your life.
Holding onto rejection, ridicule, humiliation, deception, disappointment,
prejudice, betrayal or any perceived offense creates excess emotional baggage.
We are held down, ‘hooked’ as it were, rendering our efforts and best intentions
to the bonds of bitterness, anger and vengefulness which cannot serve us or
bring happiness rather these push against our peace of mind, joy, gratitude and
love all of which help us to thrive and live fulfilling and meaningful lives.
Forgiveness isn’t an instant cure…it’s a journey back to your Self and it may
take you through rough roads, long trials and dark tunnels. It’s a matter of
completing unfinished business, your business, and putting the past in its’ proper
perspective and place; neither dwelling on it nor forgetting yet recognizing it is
The most difficult part of forgiving is taking the first step… that is, getting
past the fear and skepticism you may feel at even considering the prospect of
actually forgiving someone. If we looked at this, in all honesty, we are likely to
discover we fear losing the hurt, our identity to it, essentially, we fear that by
forgiving we will lose something of our Self.
We, each and every one of us, have an inherent wisdom and the inner
resources to heal those emotional wounds and create the life we were meant to
live. Yes, I said ‘meant’. Destiny has a choice, and so do you, because you and
your destiny are one and the same. The act of forgiving a perceived offense
facilitates stepping back into our purposed life.
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” –
“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed
“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an
adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives
himself, he becomes wise.”
More thoughts on Forgiveness:
Carlos Castaneda’s teacher tells him “self-importance is man’s greatest enemy.
What weakens him is feelings offended by the deeds and misdeeds of his fellow
man. Self-importance requires one spend most of one’s life offended by
something or someone.”
Although it is important to have a strong self-concept and knowledge that each
person, including one’s self, is unique, problems do arise when we misidentify
who we and others truly are. By misidentifying, we are giving into the idea that
people are their behavior therefore change is impossible. In truth people
generate their behavior. Additionally, a sense of self-importance and superiority
is given center-stage. If we allow our achievements, possessions and the like to
lead us into believing we are special, we will soon see ourselves as better-than or
less-than others hence we wound ourselves through beliefs and behaviors that
drain our ability to flourish. Specialness renders us incapable of any thought,
interaction and activity that doesn’t have the Self as its focal point. If we sustain
this illusion, separateness prevails breeding a need to compete rather than
cooperate with others and a fruitful life requires collaboration. For the sake of
specialness, Oneness is lost, understanding is surrendered to an offense driven
consciousness and we are left feeling alone in our efforts.
To forgive is to lay the illusion aside, return to sanity and align with the Divine
within. It is your ego that gets offended, not the Spirit/Energy within. I invite you
to think about this… Has not every offense you have perceived actually been an
attack on your sense of specialness; of self-importance?
So how do we forgive?… by releasing the ego’s hold on our self-concept. Here
are a few suggestions:
Stop being offended. Others behaviors need not immobilize you. This is the
ego’s way to convince you the world shouldn’t be as it is; that you and what is
happening are somehow one and the same thing… indistinguishable from one
another. Really? You are a person capable of generating a myriad of beliefs,
behaviors and resourceful meanings. You are not an event, a thing or what
happened to you, as a matter of fact, it is an inaccuracy to say person is their
behavior since behaviors are *response-patterns* generated from thoughts.
Let go of the need to win. What better way to create separateness than to
divide people into winners & losers. Let go of your need to be right or superior.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do the best we can, indeed, the holy nature of
our true self demands we reach our full potential according to our desire to do
so… that is, according to your free-will to do so. What you or others choose to
do is not to be set-in contrast for the purpose of deciding a winner. The
Spirit/Energy that dwells within you is loving, kind, receptive and compassionate.
It is free of anger, resentment or bitterness. Choose to travel the high road.
Release your need to have more, be more, do more. We live in an abundant
universe. There is always more… more to explore, more to experience, more to
learn and more to create and yet more… You are here to bless this world in your
own unique way so why not emulate the Spirit/Energy that lives within you.
Create then let go. Spirit doesn’t hold on, it moves on. Everything emanates from
The Source and Process of Creation (God/Spirit/Energy/Light etc). You and this
Source are One. You are not your achievements; achievements are The Source
working through you… be grateful for your natural and developing abilities, for
your accomplishments which by the way, are the blessings and contributions you
were uniquely designed to bring forth into this world, for your possessions, and
above all, give credit to the Power/Spirit/Energy which is greater than you yet
lives within you, the Power/Spirit that willed you into existence, The
Power/Spirit/Energy of which you are a materialized version. And lastly…Let go
of your reputation and hold on to your integrity. Your reputation lives in the mind
of others and you cannot control the thoughts of others while your integrity is
the foundation of your character; it is of your making. Stay true to your integrity
and you will stay connected to your Higher Self. The ego builds reputations to
impress others and gets ‘peeved’ (offended) when others don’t pay homage to
its creation. Integrity is expressed and maintained through Spirit; it cannot be
offended, it can only act in ways true to itself.
Some Final Thoughts on Forgiveness:
Reluctance to forgive is supported by the ego’s perspective which equates
forgiveness with giving-up; giving-in; wimping-out and admitting defeat. For the
ego, to forgive would be opening Pandora’s Box… unleashing a myriad of evils
waiting to descend upon us; the ego gives us images of ‘being used’, ‘taken
advantage of’, ‘ripped-off’, ‘emotionally abused’… the ego has no problem
creating these images and self-talk, it will even go to the extreme of name
calling, calling us “stupid, idiot, sucker,” for just considering forgiving another.
The ego fears forgiveness, it has to defend its self-image (illusionary as it is); it
cannot risk being plunged into an emotional abyss or vulnerability, at least that
what’s it imagines will happen. So what are the payoffs the ego gets by keeping
forgiveness at bay?
The offense becomes the cause for not having a “perfect” life. Blame can
flourish while self-initiated direction suffocates a slow victimized death.
Not forgiving helps our ego (and ultimately our perception of our-self) define
us as the ‘good-one’. It can revel in black verses white, right verses wrong
thinking with no shades of grey and no varied range of possibilities.
Not forgiving allows the ego to be ‘powerful’; after all, only you can decide to
forgive, only you can make you do it. Actually, the ego is powerless; it knows
this and works very hard at keeping that a secret from us because without that
illusion we might come to know our true self, our holiness and wholeness.
“Trust is a fragile thing. Easy to break, easy to lose and one of the hardest things
to ever get back.” Billy Cox Motivation
4.) It is not unusual for people to attach the idea that *trust* has been broken
when they feel wounded. For some it will become the reason to not forgive, for
others it will be a reminder of the fragile nature of relationships, a few will let it
lead them to forgiveness.
5.) Perhaps most importantly, by keeping the pain, hurt and offense alive, we
can keep our shields up, never to be hurt again, keep others at a distance and to
the ego this means we can’t let Infinite Love in. The ego gets to hold us hostage
mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually… keeping the hurt alive assures
the ego we will never discover our Higher Self, our blessedness. The ego gets to
be the one and only perception we hold of our self.
Einstein once said the most important question you’ll ever ask yourself is “Is this
universe a benevolent place… Is the universe ordered?” How we answer this
question will set our destiny.
“Destiny has a choice and so do you because you and destiny are one and the
“The fire of sorrow and pain becomes the light of compassion to forge a soul
tried and true.” Cherie Newland
In summary, the turning point for me was when I realized I don’t know,
neither can I really know, everything about a person but I can believe that at
some level everything must balance. My experiences have taught me since
I’m not the one consulted to decide how that balance will be achieved (often
not even with my own life), I accept the only thing I can do is move in what I
understand to be the best direction… one in which *win/win* scenarios are
created, no harm done, changes supported and others acknowledged. At the
end of the day I want to have lived with my Self and not through my ego.
Admittedly, it can be a struggle… but only if I let my ego fool me into
righteousness instead of rightness. The hardest part is admitting then facing
when the ego has the lead. Without this awareness, there is no choice. We
can only *give* (for-give) what we own; forgiving empowers us with
ownership. Once you own *forgiveness* you will find its’ supply is never
ending… because, it’s energy is Love, once hidden now revealed, and you
never even knew was there.